I no longer self-identify as busy
«Mamaaaa! I’m bored. I don’t know what to do.»
This was a frequent complaint, epitome of all challenges in my quiet childhood. A number of cheerful suggestions followed, if I was lucky. I would then ponder for a bit, consider the path ahead, and leap enthusiastically into my new occupation. Other times, my complaint would meet a firm rebuff from someone whom, as it went, had too much to do. I would then feel very sorry for myself, despaired at the vacuity already creeping in to take over my short life, a void so deep I wouldn’t dare to look.
In short glimpses perhaps, when my guard was down; I would find myself relishing in the imaginary world that was unfolding out of nowhere, out of that void maybe, as I was idle. Adventures in a sunflowers field before falling asleep, daydreams filled with possibilities between two pages of a book, and a sleep so deep, that even the drums of the Semana Santa parading under my window in Jaca could not wake.
I have a bias for action. Occupied, pre-occupied, busy bee — you name it. Feeling embarrassed and slightly condescending towards the contemplative , the couch potato, the parasite: not fully experiencing life, crippled by laziness, and (let’s face it) exploiting others to do whatever they should have just got done themselves. The harshness of my judgment widening the gap between such attitudes and a life well lived. Every minute counts.
Looking back, I now understand that it was a clue, and I was in fact, rather jealous. Wearing my exhaustion like a badge of honor, identifying my self worth with my productivity — I have long neglected my health and well-being. Feeling the constant adrenaline pressure pushing fear, from my limbic system, throughout my body – as the main energy source keeping me going. Long hours, no break, no rest, rush, no play, paid by the kilo, by the hour, never enough. Never enough. Anything, but looking at the void.
Until I had extended pregnancies. As I hope you’re aware, the whole experience goes like this: an entirely new person (toenails and all) is taking shape inside your body , and then your body is opening up, so that human being can join the party earth side. Is this not, quite literally, the most productive a person can ever be? I did that, twice, whilst truly having nothing to do, really.
Both times, although I was used to everything happening fast in my life, we waited. Not hours. Not days. Weeks. Medical protocol puts an expiry date on pregnancies — a rough estimate based on outdated and low quality research, but that’s a concern for another time. We went WAY past it. Twice. Nothing I could do about it.
In such moments of wait, the void comes back creeping in. Think queuing alone in front of the food truck, waiting room or elevator vibes, not knowing when a date will call back… That, amplified by: hormones, a belly the size of a watermelon, family texts reading “so…?” and the simple fact you do not have the option to walk away. Past 2 weeks of nothing to do, but hope and accept that the issue is disconnected from willpower, I was swimming in the void. Levitating on idleness. Completely open to the moment and the infinite possibilities it holds.
The experience, followed by the transe-like workload and exhaustion when parenting young children, left me surrendering any illusion of control together with my attachement to outcomes. There simply was nowhere else to go. I then knew that most times, the only thing for me to do is to relax. That it is when I stop searching that I find.
As I was freshly back to my full time corporate job after a 5-month break, our functional leader confessed publicly and not without pride, that he hadn’t taken time off for months. Including weekends, evenings. He said something along the lines of “if you’re good, work is coming to you and naturally you become incredibly busy”. In his words, having heaps of things to do and never stopping was some kind of measure of the worth of a worker and something to celebrate. When I told him — uninvited I must admit — that his lack of balance and vision was a concern to me, a concern about his health certainly and a concern about his responsibility towards our team’s health, there was an awkward silence, and we moved on.
Except, I didn’t. A year after, I’m still outraged. As if work has to be painful, laborious, a costly effort, about being ON all the time, go go go! And if you are taking a step back, hitting the OFF button, resting or (god forbid) idle — then it can NOT be work. The result of that, is shame, guilt and blame, that makes us produce or maintain a mass of details, and avoid most essential conversations. What do we want? What do we focus on to create what we want? What is our unique leverage? How do we maximize the amount of work not done? What is a natural rhythm that we can sustain to infinity?
The result of that, is a pervasive mindset of scarcity and ominous comparison, cancelling all possibility of empathy, perspective or kindness. Most of us in the new economy are no longer paid by the kilo or the hour, or even in transactional roles anymore. So why do we still act as if we were?
Sometimes, it comes back crawling up my spine. Rooted in a feeling of unworthiness, a disconnection from my vision and a guilt trip beyond my scope of influence. Then I remember: your worth — like that of babies — is granted and unconditional. The best you can do, is focus on sharpening your saw before you start using it. Practice non judgment. Trust in yourself, others, the universe maybe, as an antidote to FOMO. As an invitation to renounce the very idea of “missing out” anything that simply doesn’t exist for you. Then I’m no longer busy. I’m deliberate and intentional.
There are things I want to do. Today is (at best) 24h. Now is certainly full of possibilities and drums and sunflowers. Let’s see what happens.
